First of all, I want to say THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU to everyone who has posted blog-encouragement to me in the last week or so. Every message has been sucked on like a candy and throughly digested by my soul. Thank you. It really helps. If you feel moved to keep it comin’, I will continue to appreciate it.
Second, today is the one-year anniversary of my meeting a man with whom I embarked on a love roller coaster that eventually boomeranged into a House of Haunted Horrors this past year. Which was not entirely a bad thing (Everything that has a front has a back–the bigger the front, the bigger the back). I learned a lot… I grew a lot… I cried a lot… and the whole experience managed to smash a long-held template in my heart that was no longer serving me–probably the true silver lining to the cloud. Plus, the love part is always wonderful, no matter how it ends. Because today is the anniversay or the original meeting… it seems important to mark it. Normally, I might feel self-conscious about mentioning it in public, but because this person happens to be gleefully self-absorbed, there’s very little risk that he’s reading this.
We recently experienced the Winter solstice, which is my favorite day of the year; it is from here that we boomerang into expansion after having reached the ultimate depths of contraction. It is at solstice time that I am forced to face the yuckiest yuck of my shadow–the deepest fears and sludge–and from here on in, nothing is really that scary.
Speaking of scary, blogging has forced me to wrestle with the idea of privacy recently–with the energetic insulation we carry in the world to keep ourselves our “selves”, stopping us from bleeding into cyberspace–psyches spilling into the void. However, I’ve been reading some of my favorite writers–Marianne Williamson, Anne Lamott, David Sedaris– and it’s exactly their vulnerability and honesty I find most compelling. I’ve taken my sweet time with Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat (35th printing) Pray (might as well start printing money!) Love (who do you think will star in the movie?) and I am amazed at the nakedness she shows. And equally amazed at how much I love her for her nakedness. While her book is seemingly all about herself, it is actually a lively, funny, colorful veil on the face of the Goddess. A true paradox. It’s a reminder to me that only by being completely real do we allow intimacy with one another and offer an opening for God (or grace, or whatever-you-want-to-call-it) to shine through. So I’m gonna keep taking the risk of being more honest with myself and with you– dear Bloguee. I’m getting ready to tell my big secrets–the ones the squeeze of Autumn has been forcing me to confront–in the name of creating space for faith, for intimacy, and maybe even a miracle or two. Here goes:
THE THINGS I’M MOST AFRAID OF ADMITTING, 2007:
1. (Drumroll) … I’m single. And I’m not exactly 25 anymore. Or even 35. THIS FREAKS ME OUT. From the side of darkness, I hear: “Loser”, “What’s wrong with you?”, and the worst: “Everyone feels sorry for you”. But, even as I write that, all sorts of healthy voices rise up in my defense; voices that shout: “There are more single women in North America today than there are married ones!!” (True–New York Times, Jan. 07–google it) and “Women are single today because they no longer have to sacrifice their souls to mediocre relationships!” (Probably lots of truth to that–with all respect and kudos to people in healthy relationships) and “The Universe has not abandoned you just because you don’t have a ring on your finger!” (I do still seem to be breathing, walking, writing–even getting some action every once in a while, etc.)
In fact, when I see beyond my personal conflict with singleness, I appreciate that I am of a generation that has never existed before–we are chicks who have the education, the financial power, and the self-esteem to really live our lives–for ourselves, if we choose to. And although that may be swinging us to unprecedented extremes, someone has to discover how far the pendulum goes…someone’s gotta collect some payback for the witch hunts… I mean, someone had to set off for India and end up discovering the freakin’ New World!!. So why not us? Maybe my singleness is actually a sign of the times. In other generations, I would be married with kids right now whether I liked it or not. And there have been a lot of “nots” in our patriarchal history. That’s the pendulum swinging in the opposite direction–gender-based servitide, and many women around the world are still in it. Now I–and clearly many others–are riding to the furthest frontiers of female experience–a place of freedom, self-actualization, and … who know what else? And the women loving, feeding, growing families… they are our sisters, and we can balance each other out. So if you’re on this side of womanhood with me–singleness–I say it only makes sense to enjoy it. And who knows? Maybe Mother Nature really needs us right now. Maybe the lovely, magical yin energy that all women have available–maybe if it’s not being given to a partner, or kids–is meant to be channeled into alternative projects that need it just as urgently–like nature. It’s a serious time on the planet, these day, ladies. Someone’s gotta clean up the vibes around here…
All that being said, I have no problems with anyone sending me their nice, non-narcissistic, willing-to-eat-decent-food brother!
2. I’m afraid of being judged because I don’t practice macrobiotics perfectly. This is a big one, especially as I put out a public image as a macro “expert”. It also dovetails nicely with another fear: I’m afraid of dying of some funky disease and everyone saying: “Well, that proves that macrobiotics is baloney” or “she was such a hypocrite”. Welcome to the rarely-discussed neuroses of many health-careered people. For the record: I don’t do MB perfectly… followed by about everything else. The only thing I’ve done perfectly for the last 18 years is acknowledge that I am not perfect. Long-term consistency in any kind of discipline beyond that eludes me. I eat healthy food… regularly. I only cook macro food in my home. I think macrobiotically, meaning I am always looking for yin and yang of everything, but I do not practice like a saint or a monk. I do yoga… sometimes. I meditate… a lot, but not every single day. I pray… when I remember to. I get sucked into fear, and resentment and Houses of Haunted Horrors more often than I would like to admit. So there! Sue me.
3. I’m afraid of getting closer to God. When I first surrendered to the idea that there was a lovely, benevolent force guiding me along my path, I absolutely fell in love with It. I really did. I quit graduate school for It. I read everything I could get my hands on about It. I prayed to It. I talked about It inessantly. I would have handed out flowers in airports for It, I think, but thankfully never felt moved to. But in the last few years, I’ve grown quite complacent. Life is pretty good. “Move over, God(dess), I can do this thing called life–I wrote a freakin’ book, I’ve got lots of cool friends, I eat okay… come on–HAND ME THAT STEERING WHEEL!!”
You see, if I get closer to God,–really letting myself fall in love with It again–I will feel Its power, and that means NOT BEING IN CONTROL. And not being in control begat surrender. Which begat more ego destruction. More… whatever the hell God decides to give me… flowers in the airport? Embarrassing, decidedly un-Canadian zealotry? The point is: I DON’T KNOW! My way just seems–if not happier–at least more familiar…
But, when I get past this ego fear, I do have a sense that God(dess) has some pretty cool plans for the world: I think that It wants food-conscious people to support each other in our efforts to strengthen the quality of our bodies, and therefore the whole human fabric, by bringing back whole foods and the concept of balance. Not because there’s some crazy edict about it, but because that’s just nature taking nature back, through us. I believe that the Universe/God is pretty much on the side of the planet staying intact. I believe that–no matter who their parents are–that the Universe would like to see all kids given a decent shot at health and freedom. I believe that God wants me, and you, to keep striving in our lives… to realize our true dreams.
Which brings us neatly to NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS*. Yay! It’s so nice to clear out the fear to get to the positive stuff (another boomerang). SO HERE ARE MY DREAMS FOR THIS YEAR:
1. I would like this website to serve as a touchstone for everyone interested in improving their lives by improving what they shove in their pie-holes. I hope to inspire and educate through honesty and humor. And to be educated by you. I want this website to feel like a soft place to land (yes, I just quoted Dr. Phil–I HAVE A WEIRD THING FOR HIM–I can’t help it) in a world that tends to chew people up and spit them out.
2. I would like people (and especially women–I’ll be honest–with all respect to dudes, you’ve been in charge A LONG TIME, gentlemen!) to realize the AWESOME power that exists in our lowly kitchens. COOKING IS SO AMAZING! When I was in Florida recently, I met a woman who had just read my book. She took me to her lovely home and I saw that she had arranged her kitchen in a horseshoe pattern so that she cooked, and talked and healed from the center of the vortex. “You are a witch” I said, “a beautiful, powerful witch.” And we all are–in a good way. So let’s bring back the witchcraft, ladies (and warlocks), as we cook whole grains and vegetables for our loved ones. Let’s spread Mother Earth’s good vibes through our families and communities. Let’s secretly–and selfishly–love this world back into balance from our stoves. There ain’t no stakes to be burnt at, girls. At least not in North America. Thank Goddess.
3. Oh yeah, and I wanna win an Oscar. Almost forgot!
So what are your plans for the New Year? What are the fears or negative belief systems that might be getting in your way? How can we use this site to inspire each other?
Chew well,
Happy New Year.
*I just realized that New Year’s resolutions, which are invisible, vibrational projections (yin) are born of the extreme squeeze we experience at the solstice (yang). Every extreme produces its opposite. Neat! More macro gobbledygook: All “dreams” begin in the yin ether and we experience them as visions, intuitive urges, vibrations or desires. When our physical conditions are strong, and we eat whole foods–rich in minerals (yang)–we naturally begin to manifest our dreams; they literally come through us, going from the yin ether (dream) to yang (material reality) in the world. When you eat well, this process happens quite effortlessly. Try it–you’ll see. It’s one of the coolest things about being macro!
It’s strange to spend my life trying to recognize, sort through, and ultimately discard layers of sludge and useless “self”, then plop myself down in acting class–a room full of 24-year old blondes and their male counterparts–where I immediately take a nosedive into the murky, smelly fishtank of self. IT IS THE MOST INSECURE EXPERIENCE I’VE HAD IN A LONG TIME.
Talk about painful! I’ve been reading a lot about narcissism lately (a fascinating topic for any chick who has beaten her lovely head against a charming, engaging, but utterly immovable mountain of man-self—or vice versa, for male readers). Anyway, for a narcissist, the only real pain comes from what is called “narcissistic injury”, which is a blow to the fixed image they have of themselves as perfect, fabulous, or whatever. This blow creates a hole in their shimmery armor that is usually met with denial but, if acknowledged, comes face-to-face with the dragon of rage.
Welcome to my acting class.
But let me back up a little: I find ego-deflation liberating, albeit painful. And, to give myself a little credit here, I’ve done quite a bit of it; the eating disorder I carried through adolescence began to crumble in the face of spiritual growth and ego-reduction. I’ve meditated a hundred different ways and really dig that moment where thought just melts and my soul exhales. Ahhh, the freedom of selflessness! And although I could do a lot more of it, I really enjoy being of service to other people and the feeling of universal connectedness it brings.
BUT DON’T MESS WITH MY ACTING. Don’t critique it. Don’t punch holes in it. Don’t remind me that I’m not a 24-year old blonde with the world opening up to her like a rose. This part of my “self”, I want locked down in a shiny little box called “confidence” to which only I hold the key, thank you veddy much. And when my stupid, boring, totally unworthy-of-my-time acting teacher picks up that key and starts picking at the lock, my narcissistic dragon spits fire at him: “DON’T YOU SEE, MISTER STUPID ACTING TEACHER, THAT I HAVE NO HUMILITY HERE!!!! WHAT IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM?? JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!”
I bet Cate Blanchett is just the same.
Ugh.
I guess I just need to trust, as we all do, that when our egos are challenged–whether it’s by spouses, children, bosses or acting teachers–there is a big Self underneath the rigid armor. That the universe is holding me up, while splinters of ego fly everywhere… that maybe there is a box much bigger than my little shiny one marked “confidence”.
Or some kind of bull like that.
I am off to England tomorrow, where I will be with my macro mother. We will cook together, and share our stories, and I will nurse my narcissistic wound. As we watch British TV, and I complain about my stupid acting class–comparing myself favorably to Judi Dench and Helen Mirren–my dragon’s fury will quietly cool down and the hole my stupid, boring, TOTALLY UNWORTHY acting teacher created will become a secret, magical opening to my future. And I’ll go back to class in January.
Ugh.
Do you invite the dissolution of self? How does it feel? During and after? How does the macrobiotic diet help dissolve the little self?
Life is so weird. I’m having all these major insights lately, and it’s very intense. THIS WHOLE TIME OF YEAR IS INTENSE. Especially because I have a birthday, neatly tucked away in the shadow of Jesus Christ Our Lord’s annual bash. So it’s not just holiday time for me, but that season of self-centered reflection, gratitude, and remorse–all spent cuddling up to one’s personal little puppy called “mortality”. Heavy.
Plus, I thought I dropped a bomb in someone’s life recently–the so-called “earthquake” I talked about a few weeks ago was actually the sending of a particular letter, to a particular person, about another particular person, and I just found out the letter was never received!! I have been processing my reality for the last three weeks–in the most intense way–as if some energy bomb had been dropped–BIG SECRETS TOTALLY REVEALED–and they were not. Or at least it looks that way. It’s as if God reached down into a computer and plucked a blistering missive from an inbox and shoved into a spam folder. Whoah. It changes everything. And yet… nothing. Because I did all the processing I needed to do to get angry, detach, learn some big lessons… and just because the other side of the tennis court didn’t show up doesn’t actually matter. In fact, the not-showing-up issue was–funnily enough–the most major issue of the original relationship that the letter’s about, so it’s perfect, in a way. And the truth is, I can live without the guilt that comes with launching bombs, however righteously.
So this is what I’ve learnt (love the British spelling of that word):
Beware of narcissists. I mean it.
Old friends are sweet like chocolate and steady like brown rice.
Love all kids–enjoy them like the springtime scallions of the soul.
Blogging is still hard. Anyone who enjoys this blog, PLEASE ENCOURAGE ME–I’m self-employed and getting myself to do it is like pulling my own teeth, and if I know I have someone I’m talking to out there, it really helps. Plus I love to feel the presence of people all over the world turned on by the oomph of macrobiotics–it’s powerful and radical. What an amazing and challenging time to be alive…
Be honest with yourself–no matter what. Energy will stop moving if you lie to yourself for too long. Never fear the truth.
Family is an ever-changing organism. How amazing to feel it morph, and shift, and know where it can crack.
I am very lucky.
Enough yammering, Porter! I hope you all have a great holiday season, getting closer to people, feeling the aches and joys of that. Don’t forget, in the mix of it all, to eat some whole foods (especially grains), and chew them well.
Enjoy,
Jessica
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on Saturday, December 15th, 2007 at 4:56 am and is filed under My Life.
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So, after all my philosophizing about change, and earthquakes, and aftershocks, the dust is settling and I’m just feeling crappy. Spent most of yesterday in bed. Now I realize that most hip chicks don’t have the luxury of lolling about like that, what with kids and regular jobs and such, but I want to make a pitch for–every once in a while–letting EVERYTHING drop. The responsibilities, the tension, the self itself.
You see, in macrobiotics, we’re looking to harmonize with the 5 Transformations of Energy which are: Rising (Tree), Expansive (Fire), Falling (Earth), Gathering (Metal) and Floating (Water). Every energy phenomenon follows this pattern, whether it’s the seasons of the year, the movements of the day, or the psychic shifts of a relationship. The downward side of the cycle doesn’t always represent death, per se, but it is always a shedding of skin and a deep movement inward. Given that my “earthquake” was my ending an important relationship, yesterday I was in the falling, gathering, floating mode as I experience its death.
It always amazes me how strong our cultural taboo is against letting anything drop, or fall. I guess it’s considered a failure. Or maybe we avoid it because it’s just downright painful to feel grief. And to be macrobiotic–made of the stuff of nature–the pain is very real, and hard to avoid. But what if flowers never drooped? What if old people never finally let go? What if we never shed tears and just let them bloat us tight and shiny-faced until we burst? The dropping of things is essential to re-birth. And right now, I’m shedding a skin. It doesn’t feel very good, and even I had resistance to the “maybe I just won’t get out of bed today” thought, but once I surrendered, I was able to let go of my self, my life, and any modicum of control I think I have. And I actually feel better today.
How do you let things go? What in your life needs to release and float? Are you open to experiencing it? This time of year is about contraction, going inward. It is happening to you whether you know it or not. How does it feel? If you are in the Southern Hemiphere, you are experiencing expansion. Lucky you! Enjoy it fully!
On a lighter note, I recently attended an event that was the opposite of what I’m going through now: It was a crazy, boozy, night of rising and expanding energy that started with a trip to the Royal Winter Fair. Now, you can probably surmise from its name that the RWF is a veritable WASP’s nest. I hadn’t partaken of my tribe’s rituals quite like this for years, so it was with high heels, champagne flute and camera in hand that I took in the sights and sounds. We ended the evening by dancing ’til 2, but that was TOO HOT to record.
My cousins (the one on the right is not me–we just share enough genes to confuse people)
Here’s my second cousin Alice’s bitchin’ dress that was handmade for her grandmother in the early 60s. I could NEVER have kept it clean for 40 years. Most Hip Dress that night:
Here’s me with Michael Bloomberg, the Mayor of New York City. NO ONE ELSE RECOGNIZED HIM!! It was weird. He was there because his daughter was competing in the horse jumping.
Finally, three short vids:
1) GOT AN EXTRA MIL TO THROW AROUND? 2) SOMETIMES I DO MY AEROBICS ON MY HORSE TOO 3) I THINK THESE HORSES ARE TRACING THE YIN/YANG SYMBOL… So, wherever you happen to be in the 5 transformations right now, in your relationships, your life, your year, remember to eat whole foods, chew them well and don’t forget to share them with your horse.
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on Saturday, December 8th, 2007 at 12:21 am and is filed under My Life, Photo, Spiritual Stuff.
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Cauliflower rules. I know it’s one of those under-appreciated veg, but really, when it comes down to it, cauliflower is relatively cheap, incredibly versatile, has a subtle but distinctive character and lasts forever in the ‘fridge. SO STOP DISSING DA FLOWAH! Tonight I made a great little dish with it.
Here goes:
1 tablespoon olive oil
6 to 8 cauliflower florets, quartered
sea salt
6 leaves of kale, cut into bite-sized pieces
1/2 cup water
1 to 2 teaspoon shoyu (soy sauce)
About 1 cup cooked rice with buckwheat (3/4 short grain brown rice to 1/4 buckwheat)*
So, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the c’flower, and a pinch of salt. Saute until the cauli braises a bit, becoming slightly browned. Mmmmmm. Add the kale, in bite-sized pieces, and continue to saute until the kale wilts. Add the shoyu and the rice with buckwheat combo. Add the water, reduce heat and cover for about five minutes. Serve hot. Serves two to three. YUM!!
*–This concoction will be a little… weird… like, the buckwheat may be sort of creamy in the rice, but it’s the flavor you’re looking for, plus the energy. Buckwheat is serious winter food, and extremely warming, so if you’re in a cold climate, now’s the time to start incorporating it a little into your grain rotation.
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on Saturday, December 8th, 2007 at 12:17 am and is filed under Recipes.
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