BoomerangsDecember 23rd, 2007
BEWARE: LONG BLOG AHEAD
First of all, I want to say THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU to everyone who has posted blog-encouragement to me in the last week or so. Every message has been sucked on like a candy and throughly digested by my soul. Thank you. It really helps. If you feel moved to keep it comin’, I will continue to appreciate it.
Second, today is the one-year anniversary of my meeting a man with whom I embarked on a love roller coaster that eventually boomeranged into a House of Haunted Horrors this past year. Which was not entirely a bad thing (Everything that has a front has a back–the bigger the front, the bigger the back). I learned a lot… I grew a lot… I cried a lot… and the whole experience managed to smash a long-held template in my heart that was no longer serving me–probably the true silver lining to the cloud. Plus, the love part is always wonderful, no matter how it ends. Because today is the anniversay or the original meeting… it seems important to mark it. Normally, I might feel self-conscious about mentioning it in public, but because this person happens to be gleefully self-absorbed, there’s very little risk that he’s reading this.
We recently experienced the Winter solstice, which is my favorite day of the year; it is from here that we boomerang into expansion after having reached the ultimate depths of contraction. It is at solstice time that I am forced to face the yuckiest yuck of my shadow–the deepest fears and sludge–and from here on in, nothing is really that scary.
Speaking of scary, blogging has forced me to wrestle with the idea of privacy recently–with the energetic insulation we carry in the world to keep ourselves our “selves”, stopping us from bleeding into cyberspace–psyches spilling into the void. However, I’ve been reading some of my favorite writers–Marianne Williamson, Anne Lamott, David Sedaris– and it’s exactly their vulnerability and honesty I find most compelling. I’ve taken my sweet time with Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat (35th printing) Pray (might as well start printing money!) Love (who do you think will star in the movie?) and I am amazed at the nakedness she shows. And equally amazed at how much I love her for her nakedness. While her book is seemingly all about herself, it is actually a lively, funny, colorful veil on the face of the Goddess. A true paradox. It’s a reminder to me that only by being completely real do we allow intimacy with one another and offer an opening for God (or grace, or whatever-you-want-to-call-it) to shine through. So I’m gonna keep taking the risk of being more honest with myself and with you– dear Bloguee. I’m getting ready to tell my big secrets–the ones the squeeze of Autumn has been forcing me to confront–in the name of creating space for faith, for intimacy, and maybe even a miracle or two. Here goes:
THE THINGS I’M MOST AFRAID OF ADMITTING, 2007:
1. (Drumroll) … I’m single. And I’m not exactly 25 anymore. Or even 35. THIS FREAKS ME OUT. From the side of darkness, I hear: “Loser”, “What’s wrong with you?”, and the worst: “Everyone feels sorry for you”. But, even as I write that, all sorts of healthy voices rise up in my defense; voices that shout: “There are more single women in North America today than there are married ones!!” (True–New York Times, Jan. 07–google it) and “Women are single today because they no longer have to sacrifice their souls to mediocre relationships!” (Probably lots of truth to that–with all respect and kudos to people in healthy relationships) and “The Universe has not abandoned you just because you don’t have a ring on your finger!” (I do still seem to be breathing, walking, writing–even getting some action every once in a while, etc.)
In fact, when I see beyond my personal conflict with singleness, I appreciate that I am of a generation that has never existed before–we are chicks who have the education, the financial power, and the self-esteem to really live our lives–for ourselves, if we choose to. And although that may be swinging us to unprecedented extremes, someone has to discover how far the pendulum goes…someone’s gotta collect some payback for the witch hunts… I mean, someone had to set off for India and end up discovering the freakin’ New World!!. So why not us? Maybe my singleness is actually a sign of the times. In other generations, I would be married with kids right now whether I liked it or not. And there have been a lot of “nots” in our patriarchal history. That’s the pendulum swinging in the opposite direction–gender-based servitide, and many women around the world are still in it. Now I–and clearly many others–are riding to the furthest frontiers of female experience–a place of freedom, self-actualization, and … who know what else? And the women loving, feeding, growing families… they are our sisters, and we can balance each other out. So if you’re on this side of womanhood with me–singleness–I say it only makes sense to enjoy it. And who knows? Maybe Mother Nature really needs us right now. Maybe the lovely, magical yin energy that all women have available–maybe if it’s not being given to a partner, or kids–is meant to be channeled into alternative projects that need it just as urgently–like nature. It’s a serious time on the planet, these day, ladies. Someone’s gotta clean up the vibes around here…
All that being said, I have no problems with anyone sending me their nice, non-narcissistic, willing-to-eat-decent-food brother!
2. I’m afraid of being judged because I don’t practice macrobiotics perfectly. This is a big one, especially as I put out a public image as a macro “expert”. It also dovetails nicely with another fear: I’m afraid of dying of some funky disease and everyone saying: “Well, that proves that macrobiotics is baloney” or “she was such a hypocrite”. Welcome to the rarely-discussed neuroses of many health-careered people. For the record: I don’t do MB perfectly… followed by about everything else. The only thing I’ve done perfectly for the last 18 years is acknowledge that I am not perfect. Long-term consistency in any kind of discipline beyond that eludes me. I eat healthy food… regularly. I only cook macro food in my home. I think macrobiotically, meaning I am always looking for yin and yang of everything, but I do not practice like a saint or a monk. I do yoga… sometimes. I meditate… a lot, but not every single day. I pray… when I remember to. I get sucked into fear, and resentment and Houses of Haunted Horrors more often than I would like to admit. So there! Sue me.
3. I’m afraid of getting closer to God. When I first surrendered to the idea that there was a lovely, benevolent force guiding me along my path, I absolutely fell in love with It. I really did. I quit graduate school for It. I read everything I could get my hands on about It. I prayed to It. I talked about It inessantly. I would have handed out flowers in airports for It, I think, but thankfully never felt moved to. But in the last few years, I’ve grown quite complacent. Life is pretty good. “Move over, God(dess), I can do this thing called life–I wrote a freakin’ book, I’ve got lots of cool friends, I eat okay… come on–HAND ME THAT STEERING WHEEL!!”
You see, if I get closer to God,–really letting myself fall in love with It again–I will feel Its power, and that means NOT BEING IN CONTROL. And not being in control begat surrender. Which begat more ego destruction. More… whatever the hell God decides to give me… flowers in the airport? Embarrassing, decidedly un-Canadian zealotry? The point is: I DON’T KNOW! My way just seems–if not happier–at least more familiar…
But, when I get past this ego fear, I do have a sense that God(dess) has some pretty cool plans for the world: I think that It wants food-conscious people to support each other in our efforts to strengthen the quality of our bodies, and therefore the whole human fabric, by bringing back whole foods and the concept of balance. Not because there’s some crazy edict about it, but because that’s just nature taking nature back, through us. I believe that the Universe/God is pretty much on the side of the planet staying intact. I believe that–no matter who their parents are–that the Universe would like to see all kids given a decent shot at health and freedom. I believe that God wants me, and you, to keep striving in our lives… to realize our true dreams.
Which brings us neatly to NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS*. Yay! It’s so nice to clear out the fear to get to the positive stuff (another boomerang). SO HERE ARE MY DREAMS FOR THIS YEAR:
1. I would like this website to serve as a touchstone for everyone interested in improving their lives by improving what they shove in their pie-holes. I hope to inspire and educate through honesty and humor. And to be educated by you. I want this website to feel like a soft place to land (yes, I just quoted Dr. Phil–I HAVE A WEIRD THING FOR HIM–I can’t help it) in a world that tends to chew people up and spit them out.
2. I would like people (and especially women–I’ll be honest–with all respect to dudes, you’ve been in charge A LONG TIME, gentlemen!) to realize the AWESOME power that exists in our lowly kitchens. COOKING IS SO AMAZING! When I was in Florida recently, I met a woman who had just read my book. She took me to her lovely home and I saw that she had arranged her kitchen in a horseshoe pattern so that she cooked, and talked and healed from the center of the vortex. “You are a witch” I said, “a beautiful, powerful witch.” And we all are–in a good way. So let’s bring back the witchcraft, ladies (and warlocks), as we cook whole grains and vegetables for our loved ones. Let’s spread Mother Earth’s good vibes through our families and communities. Let’s secretly–and selfishly–love this world back into balance from our stoves. There ain’t no stakes to be burnt at, girls. At least not in North America. Thank Goddess.
3. Oh yeah, and I wanna win an Oscar. Almost forgot!
So what are your plans for the New Year? What are the fears or negative belief systems that might be getting in your way? How can we use this site to inspire each other?
Happy New Year.
*I just realized that New Year’s resolutions, which are invisible, vibrational projections (yin) are born of the extreme squeeze we experience at the solstice (yang). Every extreme produces its opposite. Neat! More macro gobbledygook: All “dreams” begin in the yin ether and we experience them as visions, intuitive urges, vibrations or desires. When our physical conditions are strong, and we eat whole foods–rich in minerals (yang)–we naturally begin to manifest our dreams; they literally come through us, going from the yin ether (dream) to yang (material reality) in the world. When you eat well, this process happens quite effortlessly. Try it–you’ll see. It’s one of the coolest things about being macro!
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