Of course, this wonderful yin force we are governed by loves to talk, to bond, to love.  It’s damn good at nurturing and picking one kid up from school before dropping the other one off at soccer practice.  But what we used to called "feminism", the active acknowledgment of female power, has become a weird and tangled issue of late.  First of all, the word itself has become sort of icky in our culture.  Like "liberal" it has somehow made the weird slide from sunlight into shadow, as the media machine has churned it up and spit it out. 

It’s too bad.  I guess we need a new word.  Or to take the ‘F’ word back.  Because there is a ton of female power in this country today.  And, paradoxically, that’s part of the problem too.  We’re DOING REALLY WELL, LADIES!  Human history has never seen so much freedom, wealth and power among its high-heeled set.  We can earn enough money to compete with the Big Boys, buy low-carb snacks with the click of a mouse, and have sex without ever getting pregnant!  We are in Congress, on the Supreme Court, in the boardroom and just barely missed the White House.  This time. 

So why even talk about it? 

Well, first of all, we need to avoid complacency.  This freedom was hard won.  Lest we forget that Suffragettes were imprisoned so that you and I could vote.  That thousands and thousands of women were burned as witches because…well… just because.  You see, it seems that the shadow of world’s psyche has been regularly projected onto us, my fellow hip chicks, and since the shadow never goes away entirely, we need to stay on our toes.  This lovely, upward, outward, yin force we channel needs to be honored and protected.  Just because women are "free" doesn’t mean there aren’t countervailing forces doing push-ups, in the dark, to bring us down.  And that’s not paranoia.  Poverty affects women more than men.  Although it’s slowly getting smaller, the wage gap between genders is alive and well.  According to the Riley Center in San Francisco,  a woman is battered in the U.S. every nine seconds, 95% of all domestic abuse is suffered by women, and domestic violence is the single most major cause of injury to women, outnumbering car accidents and muggings. And let’s not forget the malignant monster which is pornography, now just a click away from every modern brain. 

So are we really doing so well?

It was wonderful to spend a weekend in a place honoring our girl-ness.  Our wo-mojo.  The Yin.  Marianne Williamson, who wrote A Woman’s Worth (among other great books–check her out), gathered a bunch of strong ladies as Sister Giant to help us figure out what we can do with this delicious, hard-won freedom and power.  We were reminded that the Great Yin has a moral rudder the world needs very badly right now.  That an awakened female conscience would never knowingly let a child starve to death.  She gave us permission to feel the female power that says "Not in THIS house" in the face of an immoral, crazy, 1-in-4-American-children-goes-to-bed-hungry world.  She hooked us up with a group called RESULTS whose mission is to create the political will to end poverty.  Because that’s what’s missing; not the money.  Not the food.  The political will.  RESULTS regularly lobbies Congress on Foreign and Domestic Aid issues with the goal of getting real and badly needed help to the hungry here and abroad.  She had us role-play talking to our representatives.  She reminded us that we vote.  That we matter.  That people around the world right now need some compassionate, loving, fierce yin. 

Marianne calls it a national security issue.  She says that where there are desperate, hungry, hopeless people, there is a petri dish for pathological behavior, crime, war and possible terrorism.  Happy, educated, well-fed people don’t tend to blow things up.  At least, not as much. 

We didn’t have time to talk about girls’ schools getting terrorized in Afghanistan.  And no one mentioned female circumcision in Africa or the phenomenon of Bride Burning in India.  That’s the stuff that makes me crazy.  But, of course, there are too many problems facing women in the world for just one weekend.  So we focussed on the solution.  We recovered and re-affirmed the great loving, mothering, yin which steers our female souls.  And for us, lucky enough to be free and empowered, it can be our currency in the world.  Let’s awaken the Sister Giant and use her power.  

The recipe is by Eric LeChasseur, from his book, Love, Eric.  He’s also the owner of Seed Kitchen, in Venice, California. 

Blueberry Pine Nut Pie

Makes 6 servings

For the Pine Nut Filling:

1 ½ cups pine nuts

2 ounces silken tofu (Mori-Nu brand)

4 tablespoons organic apple sauce

1 teaspoon aluminum-free baking powder

¼ teaspoon sea salt

¼ cup rice syrup

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 tablespoons grapeseed oil

For the pie crust:

1 ¾ cups spelt flour

¼ teaspoon sea salt

1/3 cup maple sugar

1/3 cup safflower oil

¼ cup water

For the blueberry topping:

1 ½ cups fresh organic blueberries

1 cup organic apple juice

1 tablespoon kuzu

1 tablespoon agar flakes

To prepare the pine nuts:

1.    Preheat the oven to 200 degrees F.

2.    Roast the pine nuts lightly on a baking sheet in the oven just until lightly golden in color, approximately 4 to 5 minutes.  (Or toast the pine nuts on the stovetop in a skillet)

3.    Transfer roasted nuts to a food processor and grind into a fine powder.

To make the pie crust:

1.    Increase the oven temperature to 350 degrees.

2.    In a large bowl, combine the dry ingredients.

3.    IN a small bowl, emulsify the wet ingredients then combine with the dry mixture.

4.    Knead quickly and allow dough to sit for 10 minutes.

5.    Roll out the dough to fit six 4-inch pie shells or one 8-inch pie shell.  Bake pie crust for 10 minutes and set aside.

To make the pine nut filling and pie:

1.    Add the remaining ingredients to the pine nuts in a food processor and process until smooth.

2.    Pour the mixture into the pie shell.   Bake for 20 minutes.

To make the blueberry topping:

1.    In a saucepan, combine the apple juice with the agar over medium-high heat.  Simmer until agar has dissolved, about 5 minutes.

2.    IN a small bowl, dissolve the kuzu with 1 tablespoon of water.

3.    Whisk the kuzu mixture into the apple juice and continue cooking and whisking until mixture thickens.

4.    When it has fully thickened, turn off the heat.

5.    Add the fresh blueberries to the saucepan ad stir the mixture with a spatula.

6.    Pour over the baked pie.

7.    Allow the pie to cool before serving.

Second, here’s an interview I did at newnaturalista.com.  It’s a really cool site. 

THIRD… I want to give everyone time to make their plans for the cruise this year.  The WHAT, you say?  Yes, the cruise.

Seven years ago, Sandy Pukel decided to take veganism and macrobiotics on the high seas.  Since then, every spring, Costa cruises hauls just under a thousand of us pasty health food freaks out into the sunshine of the Caribbean.  If you’ve never been, I can’t recommend it enough.

Here are the five reasons you should go:

1.  The Food.  Commandeered by Mark Hanna  (total genius, cookbook author and my next door neighbor) and his crew, every meal is a multi-course, plant-based mouthgasm.  AND if you’re not feeling particularly virtuous, you can still order from the regular ship’s menu, even from our groovy dining room.  But that rarely happens.  The food is REALLY good.

Because the food is so good, and so healthy, instead of gaining weight and feeling like a weeble  by Thursday, you actually begin to feel fantastic come mid-week.  Smiles become spontaneous, steps lighten and skin glows throughout our half of the ship.

2.  The Classes.  This cruise is not just about the food, or the Caribbean.  All day, every day, there are classes given by some of the greatest holistic and plant-based thinkers in the world.  Dr. Neal Barnard, Dr. Colin Campbell, Marilu Henner, Dr. Joel Fuhrman and Yogi Amrit Desai will all be there.  Not to mention Ohashi, Christina Pirello, and um… yours truly.  All this amazing information, in the form of lectures, workshops and cooking classes, is a kind of mental and spiritual food that is deeply nourishing.  One walks around the ship thinking "I’m so glad I’m here!!"

3.  The People.  I try to sit with new people at every meal.  The stories that come out of them are mindblowing.  Recoveries from cancer.  Families just trying it out.  Longtime vegans with a passion for the planet.  Everyone has a story.  Everyone is interesting.  And everyone cares.

4.  The Ship.  Costa is an Italian cruise line.  In the spirit of La Dolce Vita, they go OVER THE TOP in many ways.  The design of the ship itself is romantic, colorful, and mischievious.  There are 11 bars.  5 dance floors.  Swimming pools.  A theater.  Water slides.  A gym, a spa and a casino.  Plus a whole club for kids!  And the cabins are great.  The staff, always pleasant and attentive, start really liven up by the end of the week and even put on singing/dancing spectacles at dinner.  I won’t wreck it with more details!

5.  The Caribbean.  Oh yeah.  I forgot.  Did I mention that you’re floating around on the bluest sea, stopping at ports of call throughout the region?   I know it seems crazy to mention it last, but the other stuff really–amazingly–trumps even mother Nature.  The Caribbean just becomes a breathtaking backdrop to a fantastic experience.  You can get off the ship and explore the islands as much as you want.  Or stay on the ship and take a class.  No pressure.  YOU’RE ON VACATION!

If you know me personally, you know that I am a horrible salesperson.  I’m usually like "uh… I mean if you want to try this thing… I mean, you don’t have to… it’s not a big deal…. really, don’t do it".  I’m usually sort of an anti-salesman, having been trained by Canadian culture to never step on any toe, real or imagined.  But the cruise is different.  It is 100% unadulterated, healthy, silly fun.  I recommend it to all my friends, veggie or otherwise.  You won’t regret it.

And the prices?  Very reasonable, considering everything you get.  Check it out.  And tell them I sent ya!  I’ll see you in March!

Jessica

I found something this week you might want to look into.  It’s called a "book" (pr. like "look").  A strange little thing, it HAS NO SCREEN!!!  And even weirder, NO KEYBOARD!  And yet, it is filled with words, just like the computer! Upon finding said relic, I looked for its power cord to plug it in… but there was nothing.  I called an IT geek friend  and… get this… turns out you turn the pages YOURSELF!   Which was sort of fun, frankly!

This book (pr. like "took", not "spook") is called Born To Run and it’s by a guy named Christopher McDougall.  Now I know most of you assume that I am an ultra-jock, and well, when it comes to driving around LA, I am.  But running has never really been my thing.  I did it for a while when I was acting school but I found that the 2 packs of cigarettes I smoked everyday (at the time)  got in the way.  It was especially hard to keep them lit on windy runs.  I had to pick… and I was desperately cool… (cough, cough).

I bought this book (pr. like "nook", not "frook") because it is about a tribe of people in Mexico  called the Tarahumara from deep in the Copper Canyon .  This is what they looked like in 1892: .  The Tarahumara like to run.  Like, a lot.  Sometimes a couple of marathons a day.  Or… four.  All through rocky, steep, canyons.  Wearing sandals made from rubber tires .  I learned about the Tarahumara originally when Alicia Silverstone and I were doing research for The Kind Diet .  Their diet contains very little animal food and their principle food is a form of corn called pinole .  Oh, and they also drink a lot.  I think Tarahumara means "PARTY!!!" in their language, but I might need to get another book (pr. like "cook" not "kerplook") to find that out for sure.

So this author, fascinated by the mystery of the Tarahumara, and a runner himself, goes to investigate.  He not only finds a community, but delves deep into the history of running, the counter-intuitive problems of running shoes , and whether humans are actually meant to run.  Like, maybe we ran down our prey way back in the day?  Just outran antelopes?   Get the book (pr. like "kindle", not "spindle") to find out. 

By the way, and I hope this doesn’t ruin the story for some of you, it all ends in a race that includes Scott Jurek, basically the best runner anyone in our generation has ever seen .  An Ultramarathoner who does things that seem… nay ARE… humanly impossible, Scott is a humble dude, who lives in Seattle and is (drumroll) VEGAN.  Seems going easy on the animal food works for running!

Well, that was my week.  I’m very interested in using more books (pr. like SHUT UP!) but now that I’m back on the computer… we’ll see.

P.S.  Let’s all donate to first responders in Haiti.   

My younger sister Catherine, who juggles two kids under four, a husband, a household and writes a column three times a week for The Toronto Star (check her out)… she LOVES Christmas!!  Has half her presents bought by mid-October!  Cracks open cookbooks and bakes newfangled cookies!!!  You know what Catherine did on her year of Canadian maternity leave?  The second leave, when she had TWO kids to cart around?  Oh, START A FARMER’S MARKET!!   Oy.  When I try to run my "but it’s my birthday the day after Christmas!" excuse past her when comparing our polar opposite attitudes toward the season,  I get no sympathy from her.  She was born on my sixth birthday!

So there’s yin and yang in a nutshell. Vive la difference.  I did manage to get things in the mail for her kids, and I’m so glad I did.   And on the day itself, we could all just relax and enjoy the spirit of community and the lovely beginning of the post-solstice boomerang.

I’m still cleaning up the kitchen, but it’s early January, and this is how I like life.  Simple.  Less pressure.  Just each one of us being ourselves in our own little rhythms.  Dirty kitchens.  Clean kitchens.  High drama.  Low drama.  No biggie.  Just nature doing its thing through all of us.

Because every day is precious.  And every person in our lives.  And every meal can build us up, or tear us down.  And extending our vibes out into the world is a daily practice.  Forget presents!  Practice presence.

Happy New Year

Jessica

So here goes.  Christmas Stew.  I call it that because it’s red, with a green garnish, but you could make it anytime.

The Stew

1 tablespoon of olive oil

1 onion, sliced in half moons

8 - 12 cups filtered or spring water

About one cup of yellow split peas

2 cups of kabocha squash, cut into biggish chunks.  If unpeeled, orange is best.  If using green, peel it.

1 large beet, diced

1/2 a large daikon, sliced into 1/2-inch wide half moons.

3 stalks celery, chopped into 1/2-inch pieces

Mellow white miso to taste (about 3-4 tablespoons)

2 tablespoons kuzu, diluted in a little cold water

Heat oil in a large pot.  Saute onion for at least five minutes, letting it get soft and translucent.  Add the water and the split peas.  Bring to a boil and let simmer about 20 minutes.  Add squash and beets.  Simmer another 20 minutes.  Add daikon and celery and simmer 20 more minutes. 

Stir in diluted kuzu, whisking vigorously until it comes to a boil, at which point the stew should seem glossy and a little thickened.  But not thick like a gravy. 

Using some liquid from the stew, mix with the miso in a suribachi, grinding it with a surikogi.  If you don’t have them, mash the miso into the liquid in a bowl or mug, using a fork or whisk.  Return miso liquid to stew.  Taste to see if it rocks your world.   Serve in a big bowl over rice with a big spoonful of Yummy Green Dollop which follows:

Yummy Green Dollop

1/2 a ripe avocado

3 large scallions, chopped

1 teaspoon Dijon mustard

1 teaspoon brown rice syrup

1 teaspoon (give or take) umeboshi vinegar

1/4 cup olive oil (more, if sauce is too thick)

Whiz all ingredients in a food processor.   Adjust to taste.   Spoon onto stew. 

By the way, I did a radio interview the other day.  Hopefully I didn’t sound like a complete doofus.  Click here to listen.

I was asked by some friends to play a part in their upcoming independent feature film.  "Sure, what part?" I asked, getting all ready for my close-up, imagining myself kissing a gorgeous guy , or wielding a prop gun , and they said "um, like, a hypnotist?  A hippie hypnotist? " And like all my actor colleagues–Meryl, Marlon, Miley–I thought:  "Hm.  Type-casting!  ALREADY!!!!"

But that’s just the biz.  You see, this summer, at the Kushi Institute Summer Conference (go next year–it’s really great), I met Arin Crumley  and Isis Masoud .  He made Four-Eyed Monsters, a huge web-driven hit about his relationship with a former girlfriend.  Isis, a dancer and choreographer, is one of the founding members of the Pole-ite Girls  who were launched to national notoriety when they pole-danced on New York City subway trains.  These two were documenting the conference and, having seen me do a speech on hypnosis the year before, asked if I would do some witch-poo brain-washing on them!  Of course, I agreed and we filmed a couple of long, intense, life-shifting hypnosis sessions starring themselves .  It was really fun.  I have no idea what that footage will eventually become (if anything) but over a couple of days, we forged a nice bond and they–maybe the grooviest and hippest people I know–knighted me an ageing hipster in the court of 21st century cool .  Thank God. 

So now they want my skills for their feature film about Burning Man.  Their assistant director would be Roger Ingraham , who holds the record as the youngest filmmaker to ever show at Sundance, with a little vampire flick he made at 19 years old called Moonshine. 

Hmm… what shall I charge for all this?  What would Reese do?  Can I get Nicole on the phone?  Do I have them remove the brown M & Ms like my friends in Van Halen  or am I not that big a diva?  I decided that I would forgo my regular 7-figure fee and just go along for the ride.  I flew to New York , made my way to a vast loft in Williamsburg filled with every conceivable type of costumed, body-painted, sparkly twenty-something and entered into the world of the silver screen .

Now, it’s natural to expect hysterics and ego-centered insanity on any movie set.  Les Artistes can become quite dramatique at times.  But this set was different.  Sane, friendly, patient and fun.  When I started to get hungry and went over to the food table, I figured out why:  Isis, who has been macrobiotic for a number of years, had made a spread centered around a delicious brown rice salad (See recipe below).  There were beans, organic corn chips , fresh salad and a pasta dish.  Not a shred of meat… no dairy… and no white sugar.  I was not the only one to connect the dots between the calm and balanced food and the nice vibe of the set.   After working for more than 16 hours, Arin, Isis and anyone still waiting around at 11 p.m. was still in a decent mood . 

We finally shot my scene and I’m pretty sure of the following:  I did not barf, nor pick my nose on camera.  Other than that, it is a blur.  Fingers crossed I was okay.  Apparently, I looked like this:  .  For more than that, I’ll see you at the movies!

Chew well,

Jessica

P.S. Here is Isis’ recipe for her brown rice salad:

My friend Hiram, had never been to California.  He’s been many, many other places in the world, but never here.  I looked forward to watching his pupils dilate and his jaw drop open as he took in some of the many gifts this state has to offer.  After a tofu turkey Thanksgiving (if you plan to make one for xmas, click here for recipe) dinner, we headed to Big Sur, a hefty chunk of real estate where the Santa Lucia mountains decide to rear their heads along the Pacific coast.  Among its bon bons of eye candy are images like this: and this: and oh yeah, this: 

but forget the lousy aesthetics; the best part of Big Sur?  No Cellphone service!!! 

Being a bit of a researcher, Hiram found us a place to stay called Treebones where groovy meets sunset, all wrapped up in a yurt.  You heard me: a this: .  Sort of half-tent, half-teepee, a yurt is completely round and well, the feeling inside is… groovy.  There’s even a big skylight at the top, through which you can see the treetops and at night the moon shone through so brightly well, it was almost rude, frankly.  THE MOON NEEDS TO TAKE A VACATION! First with the tides… then with the menstrual cycle… OY!  But it wasn’t just the moon that interfered with urban rhythms… it was the crash of the tide and the annoyingly cute elephant seals  playing in the middle of the night… Whatever!

Treebones, in all its grooviosity, served ridiculous, organic, fresh-from-their-garden meals that looked like this: and offered COMPLETELY overrated sunsets from this porch: .  If that wasn’t bad enough, Treebones had the bad taste to offer a hot tub in which Hiram’s and my relationship sank to new lows: .  After just ten minutes in this torturous contraption, Hiram was rendered speechless: .  I couldn’t blame him.  Vacations are clearly awful and I’m not surprised I have avoided them for so long. 

P.S. A practical tip:  Many people ask me about how to stay macro while traveling.  In the past, I brought a whole mini macro kitchen on the road with me.  It was a knapsack-like bag I packed with small amounts of a few grains, beans, sea vegetables, dried fruit, salt, kuzu, ume plums, miso and just about every seasoning and condiment I could think up.  That way, I just had to find veggies to round it all out.  These days, I’m a little more chill, but I do adhere to 2 basic rules: No white sugar and no dairy (and I don’t even worry about red meat or chicken–they’ve been off the radar too long).  These two "foods" have a tendency to bring a vacation to a grinding halt, either with mood swings or stomach cramps.  They also set up cravings for more of the same.  I find that it’s possible to get beans (or fish), vegetables, fruit and some kind of complex carb anywhere I go.  When craving sweets, I find something made with maple syrup, agave, or I give it a pass.  Even convenience stores have little gems like sunflower seeds and apple juice.  Did you know that Fritos (yes, Fritos by Frito-Lay) are made of corn, corn oil and salt?  No preservatives or flavorings or chemical additives of any kind!!  Sure, they’re GMO and deep fried, but life is life and I might have them twice a year in a pinch.  If you’re dealing with a serious health condition, take the mini macro kitchen and take your practice very seriously.  If you just want to enjoy life and not arrive home with a food hangover, stay away from the big baddies and have a great time.  Oh yeah, and chew well.  That makes all the difference in the world.

Jessica

Of course, it made me want to barf .  Well, at first.  You see, I always find stepping back into the fold an ego-threatening experience.  I resist with all the hardness of self until, after a couple of hours, something just melts (thank goodness) and, as I hear other people discussing the weird ideas that swim around in my head all day, I warm happily in the lap of the tribe .  It was great. 

Some of the teachers there were:  David and Cindy Briscoe of Macrobiotics America.  He wrote a great book about his recovery called A Personal Peace.  Mina Dobic , who recovered from cancer many years ago and details it in her book, My Beautiful Life .  Others in attendance were Susan Kreiger, who practices The Feldenkrais method in New York City and Dr. Lawrence Kushi , son of Michio and Aveline, a totally genuis science dude and overall wonderful guy carrying on the dream of One Peaceful World. 

Most moving for me was a class taught by Sanae Suzuki and her husband, Eric Lechasseur. 

I met Sanae 15 years ago at a Kushi Summer Conference, after she had healed herself of ovarian cancer using the macrobiotic diet and lifestyle.  She went on to live a beautiful and abundant life until, 3 days before 9/11, she was in a horrible car accident which put her in a coma for many weeks.  Although she missed a global tragedy, she was stuck in her own.  The doctors thought she wouldn’t survive, let alone ever walk.  But eventually Sanae awoke, to a completely new world, on every single level. 

Eric cooked for her, day in and day out.  Eventually, Sanae began to walk.  Now not only does she walk, she gives consultations, teaches classes, and writes books. 

This week her book, Love, Sanae , came out.  It is a beautiful labor of love, filled with everything anyone would ever want to know about healing themselves.  I cannot recommend it enough as a Christmas gift to yourself or someone you love.  Because she’s done it herself, she offers not only practical advice, but inspiration and hope.  Check it out at their website. 

By the way, Eric–an unbelievable chef who has cooked for Madonna, Sting and Tobey Maguire–is no slouch in the book department either, with one on mouth-watering desserts and one covering seasonal cooking that he wrote with Sanae.  They include exquisite full-cover photography on almost every page… so they are a little more expensive than other cookbooks.  But worth absolutely every penny.

Chew well,

Love, Jessica

My first blag is that The Kind Diet, by Alicia Silverstone  (co-written by Yours Truly) hit the New York Times Bestsellers List in the category of Hardcover Advice this past week.  Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!  Click here to get your copy and ten more for Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza!

Second, came a callin’.  Okay, not Oprah herself, but some nice producer at Oprah.com and she’s written a story about food and healing which highlights The Hip Chick’s Guide to Macrobiotics and links back to this site… in fact… YOU MIGHT HAVE CLICKED THROUGH FROM THERE!!!  In which case, welcome Oprah reader!! For everyone else, here’s the link.  I’m so glad that MB is getting some more mainstream attention.

BACK TO THE IMPORTANT STUFF:  Food.

I want everyone to get their heads around the Tofu Turkey thing long before Thanksgiving arrives. Because before you know it, you will be faced with just how plant-based you’ve become in this flesh-eating world. 

Speaking of which, how totally weird is it that the President"pardons" a turkey?   Like, the turkey committed the crime of …being a turkey, and needs the freaking Leader of the Free World to unshackle its feathered chains of shame.  I guess this act of twisted redemption somehow confuses the rest of us enough to unshackle us from the unconscious chains of shame we have about  killing and eating oh, 45 million of the guilty little bastards on just one day.

And that pardoned turkey?  That lucky little guy who gets to run around free?  He has no friends left!  If the President would also be nice enough to give him some stimulus money, he could take a cab around from home to home, witnessing the carnage of his tribe.  Oy.

Don’t me wrong.  I used to love to eat turkey.  I just don’t anymore.  Some combinationof yoga, brown rice, and reading lifted me above meat eating.  I wasn’t particularly virtuous… just lucky.  I simply felt no attraction anymore.  And it’s stayed that way for about 20 years.  Sure, at holiday dinners where turkey is served, I may sneak a piece of crackly skin, but that’s it.  More like a potato chip than anything else. 

What really turns my crank these days is a big, busty, crispy TOFU TURKEY.  Packed to the gills with an amazing stuffing.  Drenched in mushroom gravy.   And surrounded by many beautiful, healthy side dishes.  If you’ve never made one, THIS IS THE YEAR.  Not only will your Tofu Turkey wow the family, it will make you feel light and happy and truly grateful.  Added Bonus: the Tofu Turkey "pardons" yet another sinful turkey and steps much lighter on the planet… in fact it doesn’t step at all… because Tofu turkeys have no feet!!!!!

Omigod.  I kill myself.

So here’s the recipe.  And don’t be afraid to do a practice turkey between now and Thanksgiving… or make Thanksgiving your practice for Christmas…
 

Tofu Turkey with Mushroom Gravy

Equipment:
Handheld blender or food processor
A medium-sized colander
Cheesecloth
A baking sheet
A pastry brush
Aluminum Foil
A skillet
A large measuring cup
Knife, wooden spoons, and the other usual stuff

Turkey:
5 lbs extra firm tofu
Shoyu
Toasted sesame oil
Onions (lots)
Mushrooms (lots)
Celery (a few stalks)
Seitan (if you like it)
Unyeasted, whole wheat sourdough bread, in cubes
Poultry seasoning (as much as you want)

Gravy:
Onions
Mushrooms (optional)
Water
Shoyu
Mirin (optional)
Brown rice vinegar (optional)
Kuzu

For the “Turkey”: THE NIGHT BEFORE: Whiz the 5 lbs. of tofu in a really big bowl with a handheld blender. If you don’t have one, it’s a great time to go get one. They are cheap ($30?) and soooooooo useful. I also refer to the handheld blender as “food dildo”. If you don’t have one, and aren’t going to get one, you can puree the tofu in a food processor, in batches, until it’s all smooth and creamy. There may be a few lumps, but nothing big. As you are blending, add about 2 tablespoons of shoyu to the tofu to give it a little extra taste. The more daring may add some herbs…

You now have a 5 lb blob of tofu. Congratulations! Take a colander (medium-sized or smallish are best–the bigger the colander, the flatter the “turkey” will be) and line it with a double layer of cheese cloth, with about six inches extra on each side. Place the colander on a big plate or baking sheet. Spoon your tofu blob into the cheesecloth-lined colander until it molds completely to the colander. A little tofu “milk” will start coming through the colander. That’s good. That’s why you’re doing this, to press all excess liquid out of the tofu, making it a sturdier turkey. Fold the extra cheese cloth over the top of the tofu and place a plate and a weight on top of that. Let sit overnight in the fridge.

The next day: Take the turkey out of the fridge. Pour off any extra tofu liquid that seeped out overnight from the baking sheet or whatever you had the colander sitting on. Remove the weight, the plate and pull back the extra cheese cloth to reveal the bottom of the “dome” that will be your turkey. Now here’s the tricky part: You must now dig into the upside-down dome, with your hand, creating a space in the middle that you will put the stuffing into. Try to dig so that you leave about 1/2 to 1 inch of tofu between you and the colander–in other words, so the dome maintains a decent thickness all round. If you find that you dig too far, you can repair it with tofu, but do your best to dig a nice ditch in the tofu, leaving the walls of the dome thick enough to protect the stuffing. Does that make sense?

Now you have a pile of tofu and an upside-down dome of tofu. Your parents must be very proud! Preheat your oven to
350 F and start working on the stuffing!

In a skillet, heat the oil, and saute the onions and a pinch of salt for about five minutes. Add the mushrooms and another pinch of salt. Add celery, seitan, poultry seasoning and bread. Sprinkle with shoyu to taste. You know what you like in a stuffing. Do whatever you want to achieve that. Make way more than you need because extra stuffing is one of life’s great benefits. When the stuffing makes you all happy and say “ooooo”, then place it in the dome of tofu, packing it down well. Take the rest of your dug-out tofu (leaving aside about 1/2 cup) and place it on top of the stuffing (and on top of the dome edges), making a bottom for the dome. Pack it down well.

Tricky part number two: Now, take a baking sheet and place it over the colander. Make sure it covers it completely. Hold them together tightly. In a graceful and quick maneuver, flip the whole colander upside-down, so that your dome now sits on the baking sheet. Remove the colander. Remove the cheesecloth, and voila! That’s your un-cooked “turkey”. If there are any cracks in the turkey, do your best to repair them with your leftover tofu. If they are really bad, just chalk it up to experience–you’ll do much better next year (or try again at Christmas!) and this will still taste great.

Make a mixture of 2 parts sesame oil to 1 part shoyu and, using a pastry brush, baste the turkey with it. Be generous with the basting. Cover the turkey with aluminum foil and bake for 1 hour. Uncover, baste again and cook for 15 more minutes, uncovered. Baste one more time and cook for 15 minutes more. Let sit for 1 hour before cutting, while you make your gravy!!

GRAVY:
Dice a bunch of onions and mushrooms. Saute onions first, with a pinch of salt, until translucent and yummy, then add mushrooms, another pinch of salt, and saute until softened and wilty.

Apparently, I just made up that word: Wilty. I know that because my computer has put a red line beneath it. Oh well.

Anyway, pour some water in a large measuring cup and add water to this saute, equalling the amount of gravy you want. You have the measuring cup so that you know how much liquid you’re using–you will need to know this for when you add the kuzu later. So make a mental note of it.

Then add shoyu, carefully, to taste (you might want to start with 1 teaspoon per cup of liquid, and add from there if desired). I haven’t given strict measurements here because a) I’m lazy and b) you are the arbiter of your gravy’s strength and saltiness. You can also add mirin (about 1/3 the amount of shoyu you put in) and a dash of brown rice vinegar, if you like. I find that the combo of the shoyu, mirin and just a touch of brown rice vinegar makes for a nice meaty flavor in the gravy.

Let it all come to a boil and then simmer for at least ten minutes.

Now, measure out the equivalent of 1 level tablespoon of kuzu per cup of gravy liquid. If it’s not perfect, don’t worry–if the gravy ends up being not thick enough, you can add more kuzu, and if it’s too thick, you can add more water and shoyu. I think gravy should be a pleasurable, sort of intuitive dish, so don’t get too hung up on it.

WHAT YOU DO NEED TO GET HUNG UP ON, though, is that kuzu needs to be diluted in cold water and be lump-free before being added to the gravy. If you add chunks of undiluted kuzu, they will become unbreakable lumps in the gravy. So when your kuzu is nice and diluted (you can break it up with your fingers in the cold water–I recommend that), add it slowly to the gravy as you stir it vigorously. The gravy will become glossy and thicken. Let it come to a boil, then reduce flame to a simmer. If the gravy is not thick enough for you, add more kuzu. If it’s too thick, add more liquid. Once you’ve gotten the thickness right, let it simmer for about ten minutes before serving on slices of tofu turkey.

Serves 8-12.

Voila!  So now that you’ve pardoned a turkey, you ARE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!