There comes a time when one has to totally fess up.  Especially when one has written a book about macrobiotics and when one thinks one is supposed to follow a certain diet as perfectly as one fantasizes one should.  OH WOE IS ONE! 

I’ve been drinking coffee this week.  I really, really hate to admit that I have a problem with the stuff, but I do.  And I have for a while–meaning years.  I don’t drink it every day, which is part of the problem.  I think if I had graduated from college a daily caffeine-user, I wouldn’t have any clue the agony it puts me through.  But because I’ve gone on the meditation retreats, eaten all that rice, and inspected my poop for its diagnostic information, I have a general physical sensitivity against which the hammer of caffeine slams hard.  And believe me, this ain’t no health food–no matter how much the coffee industry wants to lead us to believe it has no ill effects and may even be good for us.  Coffee affects the immune system, fertility, and a few other slightly useful functions I’ll discuss below. 

And yet I do it.   In general, about every three weeks or so (although that is just a gut-check estimate–I wish I’d kept a journal of the dates) I go on a bender.  And it’s a real bender, like stockbrokers in the 80s snorted coke; I start late in the day, I drink a couple of double espressos… unlike the brokers, I’m not at a disco sporting sequins… but I’m up on my computer ’til three a.m. cruising nonetheless.  Sometimes I call my friends and the ones who know me really well will ask, after a few minutes of my blahblahblah "um Jess, are you on coffee?"  I cannot tell a lie, so I giggle and say "Yeeeeeeeeesssssssss!!!!".  And they laugh too–bless them–because they’re not quite as hard on me as I am myself. 

I truly feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde on this topic because I have a regular me, and a caffeinated me.  And I know them both extremely well.  And–and this is where I’m not sure many people relate because they caffeinate every day–these two selves ARE SO DIFFERENT IT’S KINDA SCARY.

I remember when I was messing with the stuff about five years ago and I told a friend "after three days of coffee drinking, I get on my knees and make a deal with God: "I will stop drinking coffee if You please give me my soul back!"  And I was deadly serious. 

That’s why I’m writing now.  I need a place to say, out loud: I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that 90% of the individuals in this country ingest a caffeine beverage every day!!  And I say that without judgement because I love the stuff (well, the good side of it) BUT IT SUCKS THE SOUL RIGHT OUT OF THE BODY!!! 

How to explain?  Well, let’s get anatomical for a second:

Caffeine produces a huge adrenaline rush that feels good at first, but quickly taxes the kidneys and adrenal glands.  That’s why you pee so much after drinking a cup of coffee.  Plus, that’s why coffee makes you fear-based and defensive… which is not how we’re supposed to feel all the time!  I was reading this groovy New-Agey self-help book the other day and the author said that our lizard brains basically give us signals of lack and attack ALL THE TIME.  And all I could think–having spent many, many years of my adult life eating really healthy food and being caffeine-free was "this chick drinks a ton of coffee" because that’s SIMPLY NOT TRUE.  We are not meant to be jousting with fear 24/7.  We’re not meant to have sirens and alarms going off in our brains all the time.  We’re just not.  Stop drinking all caffeine for ten days, chew some rice 100 times a mouthful and you’ll see what I mean.  But isn’t it totally crazy that even the New Age chick believes that?  She’s probably been drinking green tea for the past 20 years and has no idea that even that is mood and mind-altering.  When the nervous system is calm (and whole grains contain B vitamins which relax the nervous system), we actually emit positive vibes which build a foundation of positive experiences which attract more of the same.  Life–not lived from fear–is really quite magical. 

Caffeine raises the blood sugar and then drops it on the floor like a rock.  Blood sugar is the brain’s favorite food, so after that first sip of java, my noggin gets CRAZY happy, and about 30 or 40 minutes later, I am jittery, moody and don’t want to interact with my fellow human idiots, whom I despise.  Any well-metabolized carbohydrate would raise my blood sugar at that moment, but because caffeine is quite addictive, it sounds to my brain like the perfect fix for my caffeine-induced misanthropy.  Hence, more coffee.  I think if you scramble the letters in the word caffeine you get: M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E-R-O-L-L-E-R-C-O-A-S-T-E-R-F-R-O-M-H-E-L-L.  No, sorry, that’s not it.  It’s: S-E-R-I-A-L-K-I-L-L-E-R. 

Coffee, because it’s roasted, tends to irritate the liver.  When the liver is irritated, we become irritated.  The very particular bitchiness of the coffee crash is also due to the liver feeling overworked and pissed off. 

Because coffee creates acidity in the blood, the body offers its minerals to balance the acid.  With a daily habit of caffeination, it’s easily to become de-mineralized and for the blood to become weak.  And remember, many minerals are actual metals (like iron and copper) that produce a natural magnetism.  This is why I feel soul-less after a few days on the ‘feine.  I’m truly weaker, and it’s not a "haven’t been to the gym lately" weakness–it’s my bloodstream, which underlies my whole energy system; weak, depleted and without its regular magnetic charge.   

Finally–and this is the one that really kills me–caffeine interrupts the rhythm of the heart.  Ever noticed  palpitations when on coffee?  Caffeine has a very pronounced impact on the cardiovascular system.  In fact, did you know that caffeine is a naturally-occuring pesticide found in certain plants, killing the bugs who chomp on their leaves?  So you can be sure it’s slugging the average human ticker pretty hard.  But it’s not just the anatomical heart that coffee screws up, it’s the metaphorical one.  We all put out a "vibe" in the world, and when the heart is functioning in a balanced fashion, that vibe is warm and expansive and inviting.  Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter is so pleasing because it mimics the rhythm of the healthy heart.  This rhythmic vibration has the power to calm other people, to connect with God, and to channel true creativity.  I know this from experience.  But when a certain pesticide gets ingested, that "vibe" becomes spiky and erratic and it pushes people away.  It talks nonsense to its friends on the phone.  It twitches and bumps into things.  I know this from experience too. 

So I guess this is what freaks me out:  Although I’m not proud of it, I know–without the tiniest shred of doubt–that I have a Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde and that Mrs. Hyde lives only at Starbucks.  She is not the real me.  She is a distortion, an addict, an over-thinker and a little bit of a jerk (even though she’s Canadian enough to keep her mouth shut).  Yes, I let her out regularly and I’m realizing that has to do with all sorts of boring issues I have about craving drama and not being able to tolerate too much joy and letting my life be as fully abundant as the universe would have it be.  Or I’m just psycho.  But that’s another blog.  Back to the original freakout; Are 90% of Americans (including many macrobiotic people) inhabiting their Mr. Hyde without ever having met their Dr. Jekyll?  Are we all walking around slightly afraid, bitchy, giving off spiky vibes AND WE THINK THAT’S NORMAL?  Do kids who go from Mountain Dew to double lattes ever experience their bodies in their natural state?  Let alone their minds and emotions?  Are road rage, divorce, Prozac and the NRA all connected to a cup of Joe?  Knowing my Jekyll and Hyde pretty well, I offer the thesis that there’s a very real connection. 

If you drink caffeine daily, believe me, I do not judge you.  On some level, I’m jealous that you get to arise every morning with the delicious anticipation of that first ambrosial cup.  But, if you’ve been doing that for years, I invite you to entertain the idea that you may actually be someone you’ve never met.  That you may have never–if you’ve had caffeine ever since you were a child–relaxed into your truest, healthiest self.  And that’s not just a biased opinion–remember Nature designed caffeine to kill things!  If that’s the case, just let me tell you–as I prepare myself to get on my knees and swap my soy cappuccino for my soul tonight–that the real you is worth it. 

Until my next late-night rant,

Thanks for listening,

xoxo Jessica

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 7th, 2008 at 5:43 am and is filed under Blog, My Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.